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It is generally agreed among the gay community that between 4 and 6% of the population is homosexual. For the matters of this blog entry, let's call it an even 5%. That means there are approximately 1.5 million gay people living in the United States right now. (The number seems small to me, but that's an argument for a different day.)
It is also understood that recent cultural phenomenon have made the homosexual lifestyle more relevant in today's society, and although there is still a huge backlash against the gay community, we have become much more mainstream and widely accepted. Evidence of this can be found everywhere: gay networks, gay politicians, gay advertising (what company wouldn't want to tap in to a mostly untouched market sector containing 1.5 million previously ignored citizens with disposable income up the, uhm...whazoo?), gay travel destinations, gay university theory classes etc.
What I find delightfully amusing is the effort made by the conservative right to come up with reasons for this new homosexual community. Instead of admitting that we have always been around--since the first cave man realized that Alpaca Fur chaffed less--they come up with reasons for why we have become such a prevalent community today. Perhaps they are concerned that it is so difficult to vote a straight Republican ticket because it is so difficult to find a straight Republican (thank you Bill Maher). Perhaps they have no real ideas of their own to help advance society and deal with our problems as a nation; it has become way more satisfying to vilify a sector of the community that has very little power of its own. Whatever the reasons, their search for truth has found some inspiring reasoning.
Aside from the normal, tired screams of MTV, VH1 and other outlets which back the evil homosexual agenda, new, more creative ones are staring to sprout. Here it is folks, the answer you have all been waiting for: Soy products make you gay.
No, no, you read that properly. Put down those ghastly edamame and say you're sorry to all your lactose intolerant friends. The new craze of high protein, low fat dairy alternatives is making your children bona fide, cardholding friends of Dorothy (gay).
"There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture ....The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore." This is a quote from James Rutz. The WorldNetDaily was kind enough to publish this story on his behalf. According to the article, Soy Makes You Gay, soy can be blamed for many of the problems plaguing the conservative movement today.
The article goes on to say, and this is way too good to paraphrase, "Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them."
Well James, you are correct, I can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing me. I mean, growing up with three older sisters and my mother surrounded me with land mines of estrogen at every corner, is that why I'm gay? Is it because I was constantly forced, against my will, to put the toilet seat down when I was done? Or maybe it was being made to watch too many movies on the LifeStyle network which slowly manipulated my brain and turned me into the backwards, deviant person I am today. Or maybe, just maybe, it's soy. Either way, it seems perfectly clear to me that this is all my mother's fault.
Perhaps, Mr. Rutz, in your next column you can enlighten us as to how to reverse the great damage soy beans have done to our brain. By the way, have you considered that soy has been the staple of many country's diets for millennium and they don't have a higher percentage of homosexuals? I don't want you to stumble on a small piece of logic, but I couldn't help notice that your article was not accompanied by a single piece of scientific data. No statistics were given and no sources were quoted. Is it possible you got bored and made this up? Well, BRAVO, your imagination is limitless. Did you come up with The SpongeBob SquarePants theory as well?
In summation, please keep writing such informed pieces as "Soy Makes You Gay (isn't it fun to say?) in the future. Some day, I would really like to get to the bottom of my dysfunction, and I would love to take the onus off my mother, if possible.