Sometimes, life on the Rez is difficult and not very easy. There is nothing to do and a lack of opportunities. There are drugs and binge drinking and social fightings that go on. But it's not all bad things because there is family here, there is a rich spirituality here.

On a deeper level, you can feel the sadness and remorsefulness of a hundred years of slain people, and the wraiths leak up through the very trees and plants themselves, and our people become lost. Most youth here cannot see beyond the moment, or think beyond the day.

They do not know that there are so many opportunities out there. I am one of a few people who notice outside places. If you grew up here, like me, you might want to leave. If you grew up else where, and then moved here, you'd be content. For what reasons, I don't know.

I have been recently trying to move away from this place. Not because I dislike the land or anything, it's just the concept of a reservation seems like....an animal sanctuary. Like we are being held here, in some corral. I enjoy my family and my friends that I have here, don't get me wrong, it's just that I can't survive here.

I am more than what it set before me. My ambitions and my goals and my dreams can't be completed unless I leave this place. I know this place needs for me to be here, to help everyone, but I can't help it. I might die on the inside, if I remain.

This past weekend, my niece and I were going to Wal-Mart in Chadron, NE. (I planned on going myself, but she asked to come. And I try to do everything I can for my niece and nephew, because I want whats best for them). My niece really seems to enjoy my music; particularly Cruxshadows. She really likes the words, she said, and that they make her think.

She asked me if I used to think a lot when I was a little kid. I told her yes; that I wondered why people were different colors, shapes and sizes. How far the stars were, if space was made of water, what is underground? Where do ghosts come from? Can robots die and become ghosts. Do rabbits see really good because of all the carrots? Can I ask an Angel for a feather and if I can walk over the hill and climb on the moon and see lakes there. Why are there no natives on TV, and howcome my parents cant tell me what God looks like and if God is a boy or a girl or both? Howcome cats are so finicky? Who created eyes? And what if colors are different to other people. Why do I seem so different?

My niece, being a smart and clever girl, gave me simple answers to all of these questions (even though I already know), and it's good to know she knows who she is at the age of 10.

She asked why we were going to Wal-Mart, and I said because I needed a new tote. She asked if I was "trying to move away again." I said yes. She asked if she and her brother could come with me (she's always asking, even when I travel far away), and I said she could come visit (assuming the move happens).

My niece asked me why, so I explained how there is nothing here for me, and that if I wanted to save up to travel around, I must start somewhere, so moving to Rapid City would be the next most viable option. She agreed that there are no outlets for young people, aside from basketball tournaments. I believe that the kids need more things, as do the young adults.

The only thing yound adults do around here is have kids, and then they basically ruin there lives. Having kids at such a young age really brings your options down. Basically all you can do around here is once you become a parent is to settle down, and work, and support the kid. Most young people don't do that, though...

Which is why I will never have kids. I know there are many children out there who need parents and families. So, someday, when I am rich and/or famous and/or successful, I will adopt kids who need homes. Especially older kids, because those are the ones who don't get adopted. Adopters want babies and tots and so on.

Anyways, it seems I ramble a whole lot. Heres hoping the move works. If not, I have a fail-safe plan that I have in the works...though I'd hate it as an option, because it would push me half way across the country...in the wrong direction (east).

 -J

[cross-posted from my blogger account: http://somekindafishsauce.blogspot.com]